I'm sitting here, alone, waiting for Nathan to get home from work. A lot has been running through my mind, especially about my future, and the things I've hated giving up on.
I should be graduating this semester. If I had stuck to my original college plan, I would be done in 4 months. Now, it looks like it will be about a year until graduation. This really bothers me. I'm the kind of person who loves schedules, routines, and plans.. And once I defer off the track, or something changes, I don't know how to handle it. I've always had a problem with change, and I live for routine and plans. So this whole graduation thing has really thrown me for a loop. I mean, I really like what I'm doing now, but I also feel pressure to get done ASAP. Now, I'm afraid that with trying to add a minor, it might be longer. I just want to be done, and get on with my future.
But what do I do after college? Should I go for a masters degree? Go straight to work? Take some time for myself? I really want to get out of Oklahoma, but it looks like that won't happen.. At least not for a long while. I'm scared. What if I can't find a job? I don't want to just work at some retail store, or fast food place, for the rest of my life.
I have dreams; Dreams that seem completely unattainable at this point. I was so good at so many things, and I let it all go to waste. Whatever happened to the girl who was completely enthralled in theater and music? I miss the stage so much. All I ever wanted to do was perform, despite the large amount of stage fright I have. To perform on Broadway, even if it's just the chorus or in the orchestra (even though Saxophones are hardly used), would be a dream come true. But I didn't fight for it. I let people talk me out of it. Years of people telling me that I'm not good enough or that I'm not dedicated enough. This confused me because I almost always got a part in a play and I was always 1st or 2nd chair withouth even practicing the music. How is that not good enough?? Although, once I got into band in college, I saw how much more dedicated everyone else was.. And it shot me down.. I was barely good enough to get a decent scholarship. But still, I have that fire inside me to perform. I just don't know how to make it happen. I would get back into band, but my other classes conflict with it. It killed me to give up band, especially after my parents bought me a new saxophone. I do have photography, but once again the seed of doubt is there.. Those people still haunt me with the "not good enoughs."
I'm watching Center Stage, and it makes me want to dance again. Not ballet, persay, but jazz (or something similar) would be amazing. I've always wanted to take swing dancing lessons. The closest I've gotten to either of these is the Zumba class that UCO offers.
Is it normal to feel this way? I don't even know why I'm asking, because no one probably reads this.
I just want to be noticed for the things I do, for the things I'm good at. I want to be somebody. I want to perform. I want so many, seemingly, unattainable things.
