Unattainable dreams

I'm sitting here, alone, waiting for Nathan to get home from work. A lot has been running through my mind, especially about my future, and the things I've hated giving up on.

I should be graduating this semester. If I had stuck to my original college plan, I would be done in 4 months. Now, it looks like it will be about a year until graduation. This really bothers me. I'm the kind of person who loves schedules, routines, and plans.. And once I defer off the track, or something changes, I don't know how to handle it. I've always had a problem with change, and I live for routine and plans. So this whole graduation thing has really thrown me for a loop. I mean, I really like what I'm doing now, but I also feel pressure to get done ASAP. Now, I'm afraid that with trying to add a minor, it might be longer. I just want to be done, and get on with my future.

But what do I do after college? Should I go for a masters degree? Go straight to work? Take some time for myself? I really want to get out of Oklahoma, but it looks like that won't happen.. At least not for a long while. I'm scared. What if I can't find a job? I don't want to just work at some retail store, or fast food place, for the rest of my life.

I have dreams; Dreams that seem completely unattainable at this point. I was so good at so many things, and I let it all go to waste. Whatever happened to the girl who was completely enthralled in theater and music? I miss the stage so much. All I ever wanted to do was perform, despite the large amount of stage fright I have. To perform on Broadway, even if it's just the chorus or in the orchestra (even though Saxophones are hardly used), would be a dream come true. But I didn't fight for it. I let people talk me out of it. Years of people telling me that I'm not good enough or that I'm not dedicated enough. This confused me because I almost always got a part in a play and I was always 1st or 2nd chair withouth even practicing the music. How is that not good enough?? Although, once I got into band in college, I saw how much more dedicated everyone else was.. And it shot me down.. I was barely good enough to get a decent scholarship. But still, I have that fire inside me to perform. I just don't know how to make it happen. I would get back into band, but my other classes conflict with it. It killed me to give up band, especially after my parents bought me a new saxophone. I do have photography, but once again the seed of doubt is there.. Those people still haunt me with the "not good enoughs."

I'm watching Center Stage, and it makes me want to dance again. Not ballet, persay, but jazz (or something similar) would be amazing. I've always wanted to take swing dancing lessons. The closest I've gotten to either of these is the Zumba class that UCO offers.

Is it normal to feel this way? I don't even know why I'm asking, because no one probably reads this.

I just want to be noticed for the things I do, for the things I'm good at. I want to be somebody. I want to perform. I want so many, seemingly, unattainable things.

Learning to Breathe

"'Cause you can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable. And life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button girl. Just cradle your head in your hands, and breathe. Just breathe.." --Anna Nalick [Breathe (2AM)]


I randomly had this song going through my head after my philosophy class yesterday. I looked up at the, nearly, cloudless sky and did just that.

Breathe.

Everything fell into place after that.

A lot has been going on in just this past week alone: Work has been just as bad as it always has been..I have no time for my class, and I'm suprised at the pretty decent grades I'm making so far... The attempted break-in of my apartment last week, and then a coworker's just yesterday.

It feels like everything has just started falling apart around me. I've started another battle with old demons, which just adds to everything.

I hate the fact that 'Good-bye' always has to accompany 'Hello.'

Breathe.

I feel better now.

Times are Changing. Get Used to It.

"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.' They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.'" - Clare Boothe Luce

So, I totally had my first experience with sexism, today.

One of the maintainence workers, that I help out with as a part of my job, needed some help moving ceramic tile and sheet rock. Myself, and another girl volunteered and went to go meet up with him in the lobby of the building we were in.

[side note: He did not know beforehand it was going to be us. He just paged the group and said he needed 2 people to help]

Once he sees the two of us, the first thing he says is "Where are the guys? I wanted guys." And looked at us like we were the most helpless and useless beings to ever walk the earth. He was literally disgusted that females were helping him with this job.

We still did the job, and without ANY problems [besides the fact that he was complaining the whole time about how he wanted guys here and not girls].

For those that don't know what my job entails of, on an everyday basis... Manual labor for about 7 hours [weeding flower beds, pulling up/disposing of carpet, moving furniture, painting rooms, and moving mattresses in ALL of the residence halls]. I'm pretty sure I have proven that I can do "man's work." Actually, I KNOW I've proven this fact.

What makes this story EVEN better is that the two of us ran into him again, but this time he was around HIS boss. All he could do was brag about how hard we work and how great workers we are. TOTAL HYPOCRIT!

Needless to say, I was not happy. [His boss actually ended up offering me a maintainence job for the fall semseter. So screw you old man! Lol]




On another note: I started classes yesterday. Quite a long day going from working 8:30am-4:30pm and then going to class from 5:45-8:30pm.

I also got to spend Memorial Day with my parents and grandparents. Took them out to P.F. Chang's and took my grandparents to the OKC Memorial. Took some really good photos there :)

Waiting for the Time to Pass Pt.2

FYI..Don't expect an everyday post..I'm just at the desk, again, for another 8 hours.

I think every week I'll find a quote that sums up my week and post it on here.

My boyfriend always sends me the best good morning texts. Today it was "Horsemeat hippo burgaaaaaaaaa" [You have to see the Tom Baker interview to understand]. I almost died laughing, at the desk..Good thing no one was here. He's definitely a keeper.

Another night of going to bed before 2am! AND no dreaming about work, so I woke up quite rested. Though, not gonna lie, I was afraid the faeries were gonna get me [watch Tourchwood "Small Worlds"]. Seriously, I will never believe that there is a nice faerie EVER again. They're evil I tell you, EEEEEEVILLLLLL... *Looks around suspiciously* Ok, I'm good.

My boyfriend and I are texting about Danny Phantom. No lie.

So, last night I watched "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li" [This was not my decision, btw]. I had to lower my head in shame for who they picked to depict Bison and Vega. Neal McDonough, I'm sorry, but you do not fit the image of Bison. You're too pretty, and don't give off the bad-ass, angry military man. I mean yeah, you beat Cantana to death, but that just kind of made you a douche. As for Vega, you definitely weren't the pretty boy you were supposed to be. Michael Clarke Duncan played Balrog. I can see why. He's huge. Honestly, whenever I saw him, all I could think of was "Green Mile." So that kind of ruined your "bad-assness" in the movie, as well.

OOOOO....Marian Call concert next week! Said boyfriend is hosting it at the gazebo in Claremore, and Erynn is make the 3 of us "Team Marian" t-shirts. I will also be photographing this epic event.

Totally wearing my TARDIS/DeLorean t-shirt, today. Be jealous.

Waiting for the Time to Pass

"Every song has a memory; every song has the ablilty to make or break your heart, shut down the heart, and open the eyes. But I'm afraid if you look at a thing long enough; it loses all its meaning."--Andy Warhol

I found this quote today, and I pondered on it for a while [believe me, I have the time]. Everyone has something attatched to a song, quote, poem..anything really. I know that I listen to certian songs depending on my mood. But think about the first time you heard a song. After it gets overplayed on the radio, or on your iPod/mp3 player, does it still feel the same? Do you still attach those first initial feelings to it, or are you just going through the motions, just to find yourself subconciously singing along? Does the 1000th time really mean as much as the first?

I actually went to bed before 2am, which should've been a good thing. Except for the fact that all I could dream about was work, work, work... As it turns out, I woke up even more tired, than before I went to bed, due to the fact that all my dreams had to do with me doing all the manual labor that has been "bestowed" upon me, and my coworkers, as of late. Maybe it was because I didn't listen to John Barrowman while falling asleep. He usually gives me a good nights rest :)

My RA is so funny. "Next time I say McDonald's, tell me Braum's." [refering to breakfast]. Braum's does have better breakfasts, in my opinion...But I do appreciate the sausage biscuit she got me. I might go crazy if she leaves. Still 6 hours left of work..Sitting at a desk. I have music videos to entertain me, but I think that VH1 is about to go from music videos to reality tv, here soon. Bleh...

"Cold Cape Cod clams, against their wish, do it..." [This is for you, RA]

Miley Cyrus' new video was on the top 20 countdown..When did she go from cutesy disney star to a wannabe, dark "rock" star?? Why?? I've been called Hannah Montana a few times since I've started my job.. It gave me an opportunity to tell my "Hannah Oklahoma" story. I die a little inside everytime I tell it.

Here's to hoping this weekend goes by fast [and the next week for that matter]. Pay day June 4th!